So that's THAT. Now here are a few of the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of letters/emails I get HOURLY. (I changed the names to PROTECT THE INNOCENT.)
I don't get you. You obviously have phenomenal talent and reportage skills, but yet you give us so little of it. I'm sure I speak for at least five hundred to eight hundred thousand other fans when I say that you should stop being so selfish and share your gift.
SETTLE DOWN MELANIE. SETTLE. Name's not Jeff, by the way.
Like I ALREADY EXPLAINED in GREAT DETAIL, it was just a phase. I could have LIED and said that I had in fact been SHOE POLISH REPORTING THE WHOLE TIME, but in a POOR PLACE where I couldn't log into blogger EVER. Actually, this leads into the second question:
Dear Not Jeff Gannon,
Did you say something about MOVING TO HARLEM? What's that all about?
Indeed I did, Tad. And LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH, I say what I mean and mean what I say; so even before my phase, I was under the impression that I wouldn't be able to blog because I was moving to Harlem. Even though the Time Warner lady told me that they could get the internet into my apartment, I wasn't going to believe that until I saw it because SHE DIDN'T SOUND ANYTHING LIKE ME OR PRESIDENT BUSH.
However, there are THREE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HARLEM:
1) Some streets remind me of the Cosby Show, which is my favorite show other than 90210.
2) LOTS OF CHURCHES
3)The A Train
Could you please come out of retirement and let us know if you've got any hot tips regarding this whole Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face nonsense?
As someone who has ACTUALLY HANDLED THE VICE-PRESIDENT'S GUN, I believe I am UNIQUELY qualified to be the foremost authority on ALL OPINIONS REGARDING THIS MATTER.
First of all, the vice president is a trained and certified NAVY SEAL. Wanna know how I know? BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO CERTIFIED HIM. And I'll tell you one other thing: DICK MADE THAT TEST LOOK LIKE AN EFFIN CAKE-WALK.
So when you hear any sort of talk about this being Our Vice-President's fault, DON'T BELIEVE IT. The Dick I know could SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE (THE PUPIL) from across the room WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. George Burns must have done something stupid and therefore DEFINITELY DESERVED IT.
Tell us what's in your iPod these days.
All The Best,
My favorite playlist at the moment is called "Jeff's Mix" and contains the following songs in the FOLLOWING ORDER:
Mushaboom by Feist
My Own Face Inside The Trees by The Clientele
New Hampshire by Matt Pond PA
Thiings Have Changed by Bob Dylan
All Hands On Hano Street by The Stairs
Get Him Back by Fiona Apple
Golden Age Of Radio by Josh Ritter
A Time For Emily by The Elected
The Bounce by Jay-Z
How A Resurrection Really Feels by The Hold Steady
Be by Common
Sun Machine by Percy Hill
Dancing In The Streets by The Grateful Dead (5/8/77)
Driving Sideways by Aimee Mann
Don't Panic by Coldplay
Like Eating Glass by Bloc Party
Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen
It Ain't Hard To Tell by Nas
Over And Over Again (Lost & Found) by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
All The Umbrellas In London by The Magnetic Fields
If you don't love EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THAT LIST than you are DUMB.