Jeff Gannon Blog

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I Get Letters (HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF THEM)

Dear Jeff,

A lot of times when I try to spread the word about your TOTALLY AWESOME SITE, I have a hard time deciding which great moment in SHOE POLISH JOURNALISM to pass along to my ENTIRE ADDRESS BOOK. Any chance you could do a flash-back post, a la Family Ties?

Sincerely,
A HUGE FAN!


family ties
I'll see what I can do.

Thank God I've Got My Weapon On Me

I'm prepared for the worse. On my way back from Niger, I had a lot of time to think about the challenge that lies ahead of me. One of the things I like to do before a tough shoe-polish assignment is to list possible ENEMIES OF THE ASSIGNMENT. Since I do most of my probing around the D.C area, I'm used to just listing an ASSORTMENT OF COCKTAIL LIMO LIBERALS, who ultimately pose no threat to my mission.
hippies

Ohio is different. Ohio has small cells of WEALTHY MILITANT HIPPIES who are not afraid of VIOLENCE AND EVEN CANNIBALISM. I was reminded of this while watching Godard's Weekend, which happened to be the in-flight film on the way back from Niger. (I've since added it to my groundbreaking French New Wave Wish List.) This was back when Godard was honest about CANNIBAL HIPPIES. Where have you gone, Jean Luc?

weekend

I've Touched Down In SINSINATTI

wkrp
My fans, by a narrow margin of 125 THOUSAND VOTES, have decided that my SHOE-POLISH SKILLS are desparately needed to investigate SHANANAGANS in OHIO-02, where CRAZY-EYED FRINGE LIBS most likely used GEEKY LEFTISH TECHNOLOGY to make it appear that PENCIL SHARPENER PAUL HACKETT came close to beating CLEAN (YET MEAN WHEN SHE NEEDS TO BE)JEAN SCHMIDT.

There are countless people to probe in the Southern Ohio area, and I've got a few theories I can hopefully gain some confirmation on. Once that happens it's straigt to my MILLIONS OF FANS without a FILTER (OR ANY VARNISH).
cigarettegraph

Friday, August 05, 2005

My Weapon Is Back In Proper Hands

GOOD NEWS. On my way out of this LIBERAL OVEN OF A COUNTRY I was able to reclaim my weapon. It is now safely in my hands as I fly from Niger to my next assignment. I will announce the winner when MY POLISH HITS AMERICAN SOIL.

Here's a reminder about some of the details of my weapon. And since some of you hate wasting your time clicking on link SUGGESTIONS, I will reprint instead of link:

I call it the Mini Cougar. It's total length is 7.2 inches, but it has a unique rotating barrel that is 3.7 inches alone! I often get compliments about my Mini Cougar because it accommodates smaller hands and also protects larger hands from being pinched by the slide. All edges are rounded or beveled and carefully finished to make my Mini Cougar virtually snagproof and exceptionally easy to draw and conceal.

I'm Not Truffaut

It's my last day in Niger and I spent my time reading a few of the MILLION EMAILS I recieve bi-hourly each day. Which is how I came across this interesting link sent to me by reader ML.

First of all, that is not me. I wouldn't choose Truffaut as a username if I were to join that LUNATIC FRINGE CLAN. I would choose the username Agnes Varda. Big difference.

And secondly, I don't need to do any shameless plugging. I happen to be AN INTERNATIONAL SHOE POLISH JOURNALIST with a fan base over A MILLION. (More on that later.)

And thirdly, even if that was me (which it wasn't) and even if I did start a diary with a plug and link to my own blog (WHICH I DIDN'T)that doesn't mean you have to do anything but NOT CLICK ON IT and YOU'LL BE OKAY AND WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

Douche

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Leftywood Is Alive And Liberal

A source familiar with the situation has contacted me here in Niger (where I am investigating the WILSON FAMILY BOMB PLOT)and revealed the truth behind today's episode of Inside Politics on the LEFTIST CNN LIBERAL NETWORK.

A team of LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD/FRENCH FILMMAKERS AND GEEKY LEFTIST TECHNICIANS have been working for 2 years on a CGI version of the HONORABLE ROBERT NOVAK. Not Bob (as the crew calls him) was unveiled today. The episode was directed by JEAN LUC GODARD (which breaks my heart)and conceived by KNOWN PRANKSTER ASHTON KUTCHER. Carville, of course, was played by actor James Carville. The host was some LIB TOOL. Oliver Stone and the TRAITOR FROM THE DIXIE TRICKS did the CGI animation. CRACK-POT JANEANE GARAFALO created the voice of Robert Novak using a FANCY LIBERAL COMPUTER PROGRAM.
godard2
kutcher

Robert Novak also has an alibi and I can vouch for it because I was with him. BOB'S IN NIGER DOING SOME SHOE-POLISH REPORTING HIMSELF!

niger-map

The SAD THING is that he's going to have to publicly apologize because the media is owned by OLIVER STONE'S FRIENDS and they would never report the story.

Poor Bob Novak. At least my MILLIONS OF FANS will know the truth.

BREAKING NEWS: That Wasn't Actually Robert Novak!

Details to follow . . . I'm going through shoe-polish LIKE IT'S TAP WATER.

polish

I Just Talked To Bob

Details to come . . .

robertnovak

Also: The HEAT IN NIGER is making it dificult for my two native interns to tally all the emails. Results may be delayed. The emails that remain to be counted are all from Ohio.

I better POLISH MY SHOES. It going to be a HARD DAYS NIGHT for this reporter.

Polls Close At 7:30pm EST

Up to date results:

Ohio - 665,221 votes
Alaska - 595,443 votes
Florida - 401,543 votes
Louisiana - 396,255 votes

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I've Got A Sack Full Of Shoe Polish And A Right Mind To Do Some Real Probing

I like my journalism like I like my cigarettes: UNFILTERED and UVARNISHED. And in a yet another example of my supreme devotion to the craft of SHOE POLISH REPORTING, I have decided to let my HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of fans decide my next mission.

Assignment #1
ohio
Go to Ohio and investigate these troubling voting irregularities I have been hearing about lately. There's just no chance that the fine people of MY FAVORITE DISTRICT would have voted for that glorified LEFTY ACCOUNTANT. Usually, only a handful of SCREWBALL LIBERALS vote against whatever STIFF CONSERVATIVE HERO is on the ballot. I'd like to get some leather on the streets of Ohio and check it out for myself.

Assignment #2
New Orleans LA Civil Sheriff
I'd love to spill a little polish in New Orleans and look for the cocaine in that black Congressman's house and car.

Assignment #3
Florida
MICHAEL SCHIAVO must be related to Joe Wilson. I'll find out.

Assignment #4
alaska
Are BONKERS LEFTIES trying to hide something inside those pipelines?

Please email your vote. I will only accept one vote per email account. I've hired two interns to tally the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF VOTES that will flood jeffgannon@mac.com.

I Have Decided To Truly Become Your Humble Shoe-Polish Servant

Details later . . .

belvedere2

I Wasn't Born Yesterday

Believe me, I know how hard it is to start a new blog. I took me nearly 5 days until HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of you began flocking to my site like ADDICTED BONKERS LEFTY DOPE-HOUNDS.

However, that does not mean I will tolerate stuff like this, from comments:
Anonymous said...

I love your blog! You did an excellent job! My website is about ps3 game reviews if you would like to come and give me a review!


I call SHANANAGANS! My guess is that you're some sort of LIBERAL VIDEO GAME GEEK trying to cash in on my ROCK HARD CONSERVATIVE VALUES. I think everyone is aware that a review by someone who's NOT JEFF GANNON is pure gold to a start up blog. I wouldn't even hesitate to suggest that you possibly haven't even read my groundbreaking blog that gives its readers POLISHED SHOES (NATIVE SANDALS) ON THE GROUND IN NEGER.

But in case I'm jumping to conclusions, feel free to pass along YOUR REVIEW of MY SITE. What do you "love" about my blog? What do you find "excellent" about it? Does it amuse you? Were you a fan of my LATE GREAT WEAPON? Are you normally a fan of 100% SHOE-POLISH JOURNALISM or is this a new experience for you?

If I am satisfied with your thoughts, I will consider plugging your DORKY LEFTIST TECHNOLOGY GEEK SITE.

Shad-pocket

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Nobody In Niger Cares About Southern Ohio Politics!

OH02_109
These LEFTY AFRICAN AFRICANS don't give a lick about one of the GREATEST CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS IN THE WORLD. Sweet Southern Ohio never lets me down.

So . . . how many points did SUPER CLEAN JEAN win by? 35? 45? Please let me know.

I can't wait until that STAFF VOMIT non-combat BONKERS LEFTY LIBERAL returns to his job sharpening pencils with his SISSY BONKERS LIBERAL LEFTY PENCIL SHARPENER back at his cozy Fallujah office while MEAN JEAN goes TO WAR in THE BONKERS WASTELAND of Washington, DC.

hippie sharpener

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Sex, Lies, and Yellowcake: Joe Wilson's Niger

Although I'm actually wearing native Niger sandals, I am the very model of a kick-ass Shoe-Polish reporter. I decided that I couldn't trust the BONKERS LEFTY LIBERAL MEDIA to give me the straight story on Joe Wilson and his trip to Niger so I came to Niger myself to follow his very evil footsteps. Here is what I have found.

Here is the hut that he lived in. Trust me, this is like a mansion in Niger. A LIMOUSINE LIBERAL is a LIMOUSINE LIBERAL even if he's in Africa.
hut

In his hut I found the following pieces of evidence:

1) TONS of green tea
greenteacupset
This just proves that Robert Novak knows what he's talking about and that Joe Wilson and John Kerry could be the same evil person. No big news there.

2) GAY literature
gay_africa
Again, not another huge revelation.

3) A BROKEN CONDOM and an AFRICAN BABY NAME BOOK
condombreak1-sm babynames
Upon this discovery, I immediately alerted the NIGER authorities that there could be an EVIL child on the loose.

Speaking with the locals, I learned that Wilson also spent a considerable amount of time at the neighborhood tatoo parlor. So I polished up my sandals and took a walk.
"He told us to call him King Wilson," the tatoo artist told me. "We gave him two tatoos in a four week period. They were very elaborate tatoos."
"Could you show me?" I asked.
"Are you an American who knows how to probe?"

So I probed the African tatoo artist and he eventually gave me the artwork for the two Wilson tatoos. The first was very predictable:
gaytatoo

The second tatoo gave me chills:
Yellow Cake process

"Where did you put this tatoo?" I asked.
"On his back."
"That makes no sense," I said. "How will he use it?"
"Your friend King Wilson is a very modern man, Jeff Gannon," he said.
"I am not Jeff Gannon," I said.
"He has a friend you know. A lady friend who has a very cool job."
"I've heard that," I said.
"This King Wilson enjoys mixing his pleasures very much. Very much."
"I'm not following," I said.
"Think," he said, glancing back at another section of his parlor, a section that specializes in LIBERAL LEFTY TOYS.
"Okay. I'm just thinking out loud now," I say. "But what if the intent of the tatoo on the back was to enable his wife to produce the yellowcake while simultaneously fulfilling their LIBERAL SEXUAL NEEDS?"
strap
"I say you are a smart man," he said.