Although I'm actually wearing native Niger sandals, I am the very model of a kick-ass Shoe-Polish reporter. I decided that I couldn't trust the BONKERS LEFTY LIBERAL MEDIA to give me the straight story on Joe Wilson and his trip to Niger so I came to Niger myself to follow his very evil footsteps. Here is what I have found.
Here is the hut that he lived in. Trust me, this is like a mansion in Niger. A LIMOUSINE LIBERAL is a LIMOUSINE LIBERAL even if he's in Africa.
In his hut I found the following pieces of evidence:
1) TONS of green tea
This just proves that Robert Novak knows what he's talking about and that Joe Wilson and John Kerry could be the same evil person. No big news there.
2) GAY literature
Again, not another huge revelation.
3) A BROKEN CONDOM and an AFRICAN BABY NAME BOOK
Upon this discovery, I immediately alerted the NIGER authorities that there could be an EVIL child on the loose.
Speaking with the locals, I learned that Wilson also spent a considerable amount of time at the neighborhood tatoo parlor. So I polished up my sandals and took a walk.
"He told us to call him King Wilson," the tatoo artist told me. "We gave him two tatoos in a four week period. They were very elaborate tatoos."
"Could you show me?" I asked.
"Are you an American who knows how to probe?"
So I probed the African tatoo artist and he eventually gave me the artwork for the two Wilson tatoos. The first was very predictable:
The second tatoo gave me chills:
"Where did you put this tatoo?" I asked.
"On his back."
"That makes no sense," I said. "How will he use it?"
"Your friend King Wilson is a very modern man, Jeff Gannon," he said.
"I am not Jeff Gannon," I said.
"He has a friend you know. A lady friend who has a very cool job."
"I've heard that," I said.
"This King Wilson enjoys mixing his pleasures very much. Very much."
"I'm not following," I said.
"Think," he said, glancing back at another section of his parlor, a section that specializes in LIBERAL LEFTY TOYS.
"Okay. I'm just thinking out loud now," I say. "But what if the intent of the tatoo on the back was to enable his wife to produce the yellowcake while simultaneously fulfilling their LIBERAL SEXUAL NEEDS?"
"I say you are a smart man," he said.