I Know A Thing Or Two About The Leaks
I'm a shoe-polish journalist. The BONKERS LEFTIES in the LIBERAL MEDIA just accept any accusation as long as it's made by a rotten Peace-Nick. I probe. So back in 2003 when I read that this stink face Wilson was claiming that The Commander And Chief lied during his awesome State of the Union speech, I decided to probe a couple of my friends at the White House.
First I probed my friend Ari for a while. It took a LOT of probing to get Ari to talk. But he did and what I found out definitely put to rest any of that Joe Wilson crazy talk. First Ari told me that this Joe Wilson character was a major BONKERS LEFTY LIBERAL.
"Say no more," I said.
"But there's more to say," Ari said.
"Okay. Say it then," I said.
"What? Aren't you going to probe me some more?" Ari said.
So I probed some more.
"Okay," Ari said. "Here's the thing: Joe Wilson's wife - - - who has a pretty cool job - - - actually suggested that he make the fact finding trip to Niger."
"Holy fuck," I said. "Holy, Holy fuck."
"I know," Ari said. "I know."
"Why don't The American People know about this," I said.
"Go probe some others Jeff Gannon," Ari said. "Go probe."
"I'm not Jeff Gannon," I said, "But I'll go probe. I'll probe for my country."
"But will you leak?" Ari asked.
"I'm could be open to that sort of thing," I said.
I had been probing Ken on and off for a few years, always with great results. So when I showed up at his door he was prepared.
"You've got some information for me," I said.
"Yeah," Ken said. "But you're sure as HECK going to have to probe me for it."
So I probed.
"The thing is," Ken said, "this green-tea drinking LIBERAL Wilson is going to hurt America if his story gets out. Did you know his wife - - - who, may I add, has a job you only really see in the movies - - - actually suggested that he be the one to go to . . . "
"Gosh darnit, Ken!" I screamed. "I didn't probe you for two hours to hear something I already know. Give me something good."
"Relax, Jeff Gannon," Ken said. "I got something for you."
"You know I'm not Jeff Gannon," I said. "But okay."
"You better lie down," Ken said. "This is BIG."
"I'm ready," I said.
"The reason Joe Wilson's wife sent him to Niger was so that they could buy the yellowcake themselves and eventually build their own nuclear bomb to blow up America."
"Holy moly," I said, finally sitting up. "That was big."
"Go probe Karl," Ken said. "Go probe Karl for your country."
It was a Friday afternoon so I only planned on probing Karl for two minutes. But once the heroic information started flowing, I couldn't stop.
"Karl," I said. "Let's get down to brass tacks. I know the Wilson's want a bomb. I know they're willing to do anything to build that bomb. And I know Joe Wilson is a huge BONKERS LEFTY LIBERAL who would be willing to use that bomb on Americans. You know, because LIBERALS hate America."
"I'm listening," Karl said.
"But what I can't figure out is how Joe Wilson's wife could have the authority to send him to Niger to drink green tea and buy the yellowcake."
"Well, why don't you tell me what you think. Don't hold back. Give me your wildest theory."
"Okay," I said. "I've got a few ideas."
"Shoot," Karl said.
"Well, the one thing that keeps coming up after each of my probes is that this Wilson wife has a really super cool job," I said.
"I'm listening," Karl said.
"And as far as I'm concerned, a secret CIA spy is by far the coolest job in the world. In fact, at one point I myself wanted to be a CIA spy."
"So . . . " Karl said.
"So my guess is that she was a super secret CIA spy, only now she's a triple axel reverse backstabbing super secret CIA spy who wants her husband to go buy all the yellowcake in Niger and blow up America."
"I've heard that," Karl said. "I've heard that indeed."
"Go report it," Karl said. "The public needs to know the truth about this Wilson family."
"There's a little problem, Karl," I said. "I don't currently have a publication to write for."
"I could probably help you with that," Karl said. "How do you feel about gaggles?"